Time in Thought

I have not wrote much here lately, but I had a high school student message me saying one of these blog posts changed her life. I spend a lot of time thinking, it is my gift and my curse. It is what allows me to think, write, and deliver speeches that have helped the lives of many young people. Helping others is what helps me, but it has been taking a toll. Everything that is said to me I remember how it made me feel. If I can attach an emotion to words, I can remember it forever. This is how I can remember stories and conversations from being as old as only 3 years. That is my gift. The curse is that I spend hours of my day constantly thinking. I often start of feel guilty, embarrassed, or ashamed. If I sit still for more than 10 minutes, my mind will go down a rabbit hole of 90 different conversations that I wish I acted differently in.

For years people told me I needed to go to therapy. For years people told me I needed to go on medication. For me, I did not need either of those. I needed to learn how to sit with myself and learn how I think.

I went on a year long expedition on trying to learn everything about how I think and how I act and this is what I learned.

1. I ruminate, when I sit still bad things happen. I must get up and move, or do something that will help my train of thoughts. For example going for a walk, sitting and writing, lifting weights. These still allow me to think, but it sends me through a process of organizing my thoughts.

2. I have a guilty conscious. I went from being what I consider a loser, to now the man I want to be. That means that I feel guilty for a lot of things that I did when I was a loser. For example how I treated people, acted under the influence, and let my emotions get the best of me. When I feel guilty I have to remind myself that the past is in fact that, the past, and I can only control the present. A lot of people say you control your future, you control your future by controlling your present. The decisions you make today influence your future tomorrow.

3. The environment you are in influences your circumstances, but does not have to define you as a person. I blamed being young, my mom being sick, being in high school, and in college for a lot of my problems. The environments that I put myself into often times were not good for me, but I used them as an excuse to sin. Your environment might suck, but it is not an excuse. Tough environments create stronger people, and stronger people create a stronger society.